Strangers on the Shore — The Firefly’s Cold Light pt.5

“Just pretend. Here, try look at the sea closely, imagine you see what lies there, under the sea.”

“...mmm, okay?” I hesitated but decided to do what he said. This was nice though, I could go to sleep late, and out at night without being scolded, because Dad was the one who asked me to.

“Okay then. Let’s stay here for another 30 minutes and we’ll grab something to eat before watching the match. Thank you, fellow fisherman” He smiled at me and patted my shoulder. And we spent 30 minutes just looking at the waves and night sea.

It happened again few more times after that occasion. The other time, I saw him brought fishing rod and a bucket, but without a bait. But, I did not worry because I knew where he would go. So, I fetched him again on the same spot and we only spent the night looking at the sea again, because he couldn’t go fishing without a bait. I thought he have had started to experience some kind of senility symptoms because of his age, or it was just him simply being clumsy and forgetful.
It continued to happen for years. Even after I was in middle school. Any other time, he would brought fishing rod, bucket, and this time, with a tube filled with bait with him. But, he still didn’t bring any fish home. I couldn’t fetch him home lately around that time, because I had to do homeworks and other stuffs, just like any other mid schooler.

Then, one night, I went home late from playing with friends, and had to walk passed the street across the beach. And I found Dad again there. Sat alone with casted fishing line and a bucket near him. I didn’t go near him and just watched him from behind, across the beach. He just sat there for half an hour without any movement.

‘Is it really no fish on that spot or what? I often see people caught lot of fish while fishing on that area but why Dad never caught one? Is he really has no luck?' I thought. But then, few minutes later, Dad’s back shrunk while he still facing the water. Seconds later, his head buried deep behind his back and I could see clearly his back was shaking. I startled by what I saw and just froze.

‘What just happened? Is he in pain? Is he caught some attack?!’

Two minutes later, he already calmed down. I saw his hand movement in the dim, it might be vague, but I was sure he just shed his face. And I could only thought it was tears. I was a little bit shocked and did not know what to do. I got goosebumps, and I felt like I just saw something I shouldn’t see. Or something that shouldn’t be seen by anyone.

After a second I walked down the street hurriedly yet slowly, careful not to be seen or noticed by anyone. I thought endlessly about what I have had seen along the way, thinking every possibility of what had actually happened and why. Until I struck by an answer and felt shocked, I stopped walking and just stood still in the middle on the road, while looking at my shoes deeply.

‘He was sad, he cried. He went there to cry, alone. Vent his anger and frustrations that he couldn’t say or show in front of anyone. He couldn’t cry or whine in front of me or Mom. He couldn’t even talk or share about it to us. Because he is my superman, her superman. Because the father of the family should always be strong whatever happens, even when their heart broke down. Because that’s what he told to be, taught to be. He is the one who can protect the family, what would happen if the one who protects are weak, and easily intimidated, or a crybaby? What would they feel, will they feel safe under the protection of a soft and weak man? So, a man shouldn’t cry. Especially in front of their wife and children, the one who seek protection and guidance from him.
These all what people said. Man shouldn’t cry. Especially if you are a husband and a father.’

These endless thoughts screaming in my head one after the other, not giving me any space to truly grasped the full situation. But, I could not stopped my mind either. They just flowed like water under the waterfall. My mind was too quick for myself.

‘And people would also say a man has to be a gentlemen. Do not shout at women and children. Do not raise your voice in front of them, and do not ever touch them when you filled with anger. And Dad never shout angrily at mom, also rarely raise his voice over me or mom when he mad, let alone touch or hit us. I never watched him in a serious fight with his friend too, even when he was scammed by one of his colleague. He was sad all this time, he is sad, he is stressed. He wants to cry, too’

Voices in my head kept ringing without rest, and finally I lost in my thought. I just standing there in the street.